When a relationship is new, it’s fun! It’s exciting! Your partner is full of mystery. There are depths just waiting to be explored, and not only that, but they are probably making out with us. Wahoo! At this stage, we want to spend time with them, try new things, and be our best selves. The “honeymoon” period is when the fire of a relationship is at its peak heat.
Yet, just like a real fire, if we don’t tend to the relationship, it will start to burn low and be at risk of going out. So, how can we rekindle the relationship and heat those coals back into a cozy fire?
Here are 8 tips to rekindle your relationship. Remember, some may work for you and some may not, so look at YOUR relationship and figure out what you need from this buffet!
1. Break up the monotony.
I’m starting here because as a relationship expert, this is one of the biggest complaints I hear from long-time couples: “They used to be so fun, outgoing, sweet, generous, willing to try new things, etc. but something happened!”
Here’s what happened! An exciting beginning makes us want to pull out all the stops and throw ourselves into the relationship. We want to make sure we’re liked, we’re interesting, and we’re on our “best behavior.” However, as the excitement dims and the everyday grind catches up to our relationship, we fall into lazy patterns and take our relationship off that special pedestal. Now, the relationship is just ordinary; no extra work required.
if you find yourself in this situation, the best thing you can do is to break that pattern and bring the focus back to your relationship. Treat your partner like you’re dating them for the first time. Give yourself a chance to explore and rediscover aspects of the other person and find out how they are special again! Keep reading for more tips on how to start that journey 🙂
2. Try a new hobby together.
I don’t think it will boggle the mind to recognize that we tend to stick to what we’re good at and what we know. Each person is different, and that’s part of what makes the rainbow of humanity work. However, this can also create emotional distance between people.
Here’s an example: you like building ships in a bottle, and your partner likes to garden. There isn’t much wrong with either hobby, except for one thing: you aren’t doing them together. There’s no crossover! Hell, you might be on the opposite sides of the house from one another, and let’s face it, if the gardener tried to join the miniature shipwright, the experience gap would be so large that someone will get mad. And I’m sure the gardener doesn’t want their lovely plants being shoved into tiny bottles either.
So what can you do? Try something new where you are both novices and learn and grow together. There are plenty of activities that can bring spice into your life. So become students together, push your boundaries, and see what happens!
3. Distance isn’t always bad.
Some of you may be saying: “Get away from each other? Aren’t you contradicting yourself!?”
And the answer is actually: no! Since COVID-times began, I’ve seen couples break up because there is not enough space in the relationship. Being stuck at home means that we are with each other TOO MUCH, which can lead to emotional burnout.
You might think you don’t need a break from the people you love, but aren’t there days when you just sorta want a break from yourself too? I know it happens to me.
When it comes to your relationship, the opportunity to go off and try something on your own may actually give you something new to talk and share about when you come back together. Needing space doesn’t mean that you love someone any less. It just means that sometimes we all need time just to be ourselves, not have to be “on” and performing, and do the thing that makes us happy.
The trick is in finding a happy balance between closeness and distance. If you are worried about it, talk to your partner to see how much is too much, make some ground rules, and find a solution that works for everyone.
4. Ask your partner to show off some of their guilty pleasures.
It doesn’t matter how long you have been together, there are always new things you can learn about your partner. If you don’t think there is anything left, well, go back to #1 on this list and really look at the fact that you might be viewing your partner as an ordinary part of your life.
For those of us left, let’s talk about guilty pleasures! We all have things that we keep to ourselves, whether it’s that one movie or show we like, the romance novels we read, or the things we like to do when no one is around. We may be embarrassed to share these parts of ourselves for one reason or another, but I would encourage you to show your partner. Not only will this deepen your relationship and bond, but then your guilty pleasure doesn’t have to feel so taboo. This will help create an accepting space for both of you and give each of you a glimpse into the other’s world.
5. Try something new in the bedroom.
Since we are talking about guilty pleasures, let’s talk about sexy stuff! People are usually pretty self-conscious about their performance and preferences in the bedroom (again, I know, because people talk to me about this all. the. time.). It may feel awkward and weird at first, but shouldn’t you and your partner be able to share your desires with one another? The answer is: hell yes!
Sex may not be the number one thing in your relationship, but physical intimacy is an important aspect of most people’s relationships. If you find interest waning in the pleasure department, try new positions, different locations, toys, books, ASMR, sharing favorite videos, showing each other your favorite erotic things, role playing, bondage (with communication & consent beforehand!), or any number of other things! And maybe the focus needs to shift more to the romance than the sex – figure out what you’re missing and talk to your partner about it.
You might start out thinking you’re weird for wanting what you want, but there is a kink out there for everyone, and the wonder of the internet means there are lots of really sex-positive resources out there for you. If anything, it will certainly open up new topics and hopefully lead to more fun and fulfillment for you both.
6. Discuss bigger, more in-depth topics.
One of the reasons relationships can get so dull is because we never inject anything new. For example, think for a moment about your favorite food, and then imagine that for the foreseeable future, you can only eat that food for breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks, and dessert. It’s not gonna take long for you to despise that food, and if you never eat it again, that will be too soon!
The same is true with conversations: if you never talk about anything different, you’re just gonna make a rut where your communication should be. So add in some new topics! It could be world events, your thoughts on the latest Marvel movie, sharing an interesting thought or perspective from your day.
Don’t just stay on the surface, delve into how you feel about it because that’s what a real relationship takes. Talk about more things than just how cute you both are and what you do for a living. If you want success, talk about how things make you feel because there is always gold in those hills.
7. Ask your partner if THEY feel like something is missing.
It can be hard to determine where “the missing” is coming from in the relationship. The truth is, when our emotions get involved, we tend to assume other people think the same way we do. This means that we are attempting to predict our partner’s feelings rather than asking them directly.
With emotional distance, it may feel very scary to ask your partner how they feel. On the one hand, you might hear they feel the same way… or you might find out that it’s just you.
Ask the question anyway. You are (usually) half of the couple in question, and if you are genuinely feeling a disconnect, then talk about it to see if you can rectify it. Most people wait too long to ask, allowing their hidden feelings to fester and solidify into something bigger.
Think of it like concrete: it’s much easier to remove and shape when it is still wet, rather than when it’s hard as a rock and bigger equipment is needed.
8. Go to a relationship counselor.
There’s a big stigma about being in counseling, especially couples counseling. Usually, people think, “If you’re seeing a therapist, there is something wrong!” This isn’t actually true at all… and I would know – I’m a therapist!
A relationship counselor is helpful for all sorts of things that can make your relationship better:
- Teaching how to resolve conflicts before the fights happen
- Creating a basic understanding of your partner
- Bridging the communication gap
- Talking about tough issues with a neutral, third-party opinion
- Support in planning significant events and managing family members, etc.
Having a good relationship counselor also means you have back-up for when times get tough or disagreements get too big for you to handle on your own.
If you find yourself struggling in your relationship, remember that seeking support before it’s too late can save you a lot of time, pain, and heartache. I have been asked to help people with marriages, friendships, open relationships, and family disputes. So don’t get wrapped up in the stigma. Instead, ask yourself what you could gain and if your relationship is worth the investment!
Bonus!
9. Take my online Relationship Seminar!
I know that many of you are incredibly busy people with crazy schedules and lives. But, if you don’t work on relationship upkeep, it’ll start going downhill. The longer the upsets, resentments, and pains linger, the more difficult they are to ultimately deal with.
Enter: my online Relationship Seminar, The Three Ingredients for a Great Relationship! It’s packed full of tools, discussion topics, and easy-to-use advice that will help you create breakthroughs in your relationship right now. Each lesson is broken down into short videos that are easily digestible and fun to watch. It’s simple to log in, take 5-10 minutes, and then walk away with something new for your relationship. And you can take the Seminar either by yourself or with your partner!
If what you need is a guidebook to getting your relationship back on track, then my Seminar is just what the relationship doctor ordered. Sign up today, and get started right away!
A Few Last Words
Hopefully, these 9 suggestions will help you rekindle your relationship fire better than ever. Just remember, it’s not about getting it perfect. It’s just about doing a bit better each day. The goal is to do your best and be the best partner you can be. That’s a choice you can make now or later, when things are dire and you have no other options. The choice is up to you!
(Hint: I would suggest making that choice now!)
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